Think back
As featured in Montana Parent Magazine
One of the most valuable exercises that can be done to understand our reaction to our teen is to look at our beliefs and values that formed as a result of that time in our own lives. To do this effectively, we must be as objective as possible and this can be tricky. Our beliefs are wrapped up in a web of experiences and, at times, self-denials and justifications that can really hamper the process. So, before we dive straight into our belief system, we must first firmly root ourselves in our experiences and understand how they affected us then and how they still do now.
To clarify this process, imagine the following example. A teenager who does not care about school and skates by grows up to be a successful adult who highly values education. When interacting with their teen on this topic, this parent often emphasizes their (current) value in getting an education and finds that it falls on deaf ears to their teen. However, like them at that age, they don’t care about their education. This parent may admit to having had these feelings at their teen’s age but feel it is their job to fast forward their teen to the conclusion they now have as an adult. This leads to them feeling angry and resentful about the situation and creates an ongoing conflict between this parent and their teen.
As you can see in this example, this is a parent who truly cares about their child and wants the best for them. But, this is also a parent who spends no time understanding the feelings of their teen, the same feelings that they had at that age. As a result, a larger and larger disconnect forms between them. To this parent I would say, “beliefs cannot be prescribed!” No more can you force upon your teen the conclusions you have come to in life than your parents could on you at that age. This rarely works, and when it does, its benefit is minimal. This is because the most profound way that a human can come to understand something and form a deep seated belief is through experience. Nothing can replace this and trying to interject your beliefs in the rapidly evolving belief system of a teenager is received as a threat. This creates a battle.
To break free from this process, change your approach to focusing your attention on that time in your life when you began to form your own beliefs, your teenage years. Do you remember not understanding the value of school? Or why you couldn’t stay out as late as you wanted? Or maybe why you weren’t allowed to just “chill” all summer? To you now, this seems obvious. Then you think, “of course it’s obvious to my teenager too.” Then why are they pushing back? Probably because they don’t understand in their body what it feels like to make the very choices you are advising them against. They hear that it’s wrong, but they don’t understand it like you do. They may even believe you but think that they are an exception.
The best access that you will have to communicate with them during their teen years is through an exploration of your own experiences at their age. The insight you will gain may not change your beliefs, but it will give you some perspective on how you formed them. If you keep this in mind, you will have a better idea of how to guide your teen to form their own set of experience informed beliefs.